Unfixable Page 15

  This is how I can soothe him. Soothe myself in the process. I can’t deny this overwhelming sense that we need one another tonight, right now on this hill. The beauty around me, the hurt evident in Shane’s body, is crowding out every reservation and leaving only now. Now, right now, I can’t stop myself from turning in his arms and sliding my hands up his chest. His eyes are closed, but when I slip a hand up his neck and into his hair, his lips part on a breath. I want to taste that sound on my tongue, so I do. Slowly, I kiss away the tension in his body, replacing it with awareness. Of me. Of what’s about to happen.

  Shane seems to lose some invisible battle, pulling me up against him and slanting his mouth over mine with a groan.

  “Tonight, Willa.”

  I nod. “Tonight.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  My messenger bag hits the earth with a thud. Shane and I can’t get close enough to each other. We’re standing upright, but his rough hands are on my thighs, kneading my bottom, yanking me closer. Every part of me is buzzing and snapping. His mouth, hot and demanding, is the only thing getting me from one minute to the next. It’s oxygen…gravity…it’s everything. I can hear myself moaning and I don’t give a care. Oh God, how have I made it this long? There’s an incessant ache, and it’s clawing at me, growing more intense with every stroke of his tongue. I want, I want, I want is all I can think as I return the kiss in equal measure.

  My hands go to the edges of his jacket, and I push it off his shoulders, not caring where it lands. When I start unfastening his belt, Shane releases my mouth to watch me. His eyes are glazed, he’s biting his lip hard and growling in his throat, as if the sight of my hands working his belt is a massive turn-on. That look of appreciation gives my hands a mind of their own and I abandon my task to stroke his erection through his jeans.

  Shane covers my hand and helps me squeeze where he needs it. Once, twice, before drawing my hand away. “Enough. Enough teasing. You’ve had me like this too fucking long, girl.” Keeping his eyes locked on mine, he takes over the task of unbuckling his belt and unzipping his jeans. Then he takes my hand and slides it down the front of his boxer briefs, urging me with a choked command to wrap my hand around his hard flesh. “If you’re going to torture me, do it right.”

  My body is shuddering, every inch of me is burning up with the best kind of fever. It’s a warm night, but it could be a blizzard, and I wouldn’t feel a hint of cold. Shane’s words heat me even more. And the way he’s watching my stroking hand with worship in his eyes…it’s making me feel restless. Desperate. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted anything more in my life. It’s a startling thought but there’s no room for doubt or alarm now. I’m beyond that.

  “Shane, please.”

  “Please, what?” He bites my ear and tugs. “You want a little torture, too, love?”

  I don’t realize Shane has unfastened my jeans until he’s pushing them down my hips. I nudge off my boots and kick my pants the rest of the way off with my feet, before I fuse my mouth to his again. The kiss is breathless, his warm hands are cupping my behind, urging me higher against him. My cotton underwear is the only thing between us now, and it’s far too much. His hips give a quick, upward surge between my thighs and it short-circuits my brain.

  “I’m going to put you on the ground, now, Willa.” He clutches a fistful of my hair and whispers hotly against my ear. “Then I’m going to get between your thighs and fuck you. I told you this was inevitable, didn’t I?”

  “Yes.”

  “You know what else is inevitable?” He drags me down onto the soft grass and covers my body with his harder one. A strangled sound leaves me when I feel his thickness between my legs. “Tonight won’t be the last time. If I have you once, I’m going to want you over and over. This doesn’t end here. Not by a fucking long shot.”

  Christ, how can he expect me to focus on what he’s asking when he’s rocking into me, making me crazy? I feel empty, incomplete, without him inside me. It makes no sense since he’s never been there. It’s unexplainable.

  Don’t care. Need him now.

  I reach down and slip my boy shorts down my legs, hooking a toe in the material to pull them the rest of the way. Then I wrap my legs around Shane’s hips and drag his mouth to mine for the hottest, most pleading kiss I can muster. Whatever I have to do to tempt him to push himself inside me. It’s the most vital necessity in my universe.

  With a ragged groan, he squeezes my hip hard, then shoves one of my thighs wide so he can work his hand between our bodies. When his fingers find my center, my back bows off the ground, a sob ripped from my throat. His mouth skates down my neck as he pumps two fingers in and out of me. I can’t breathe or think beyond his fingers, his mouth, the humming in his throat. Shane pushes my shirt up, exposing my braless chest. My eyes pop open. I want to see myself completely naked out here. In the perfect, beautiful night. I want to see him against that backdrop, looking at me. The sight of Shane’s cheeks hollowing as he draws on my nipples makes me feel wild, reckless.

  Like myself.

  Something is coming back to life inside of me, starting in my limbs and traveling to my brain, making me light-headed. It’s been coming for days. It just needed a catalyst to form. Shane. This place did it. Now did it.

  I realize Shane has propped himself on an elbow and he’s staring at me hard, all-out lust still coating his blue eyes, but there is awe there, too. In that moment, I’m positive he can feel what’s happening inside of me. He’s a part of it. Maybe the most important part.

  I don’t want to explore that troubling thought, though. I want to feel, not analyze. With a desperate sound, I push Shane onto his back and straddle his hips. His hands slide up my thighs, my belly, to cup my breasts.

  “There you are, babe.” He breathes the words, watching me tug his pants down lower. “Make demands on me. Do what feels right.”

  His name ghosts past my lips on a shudder as I take him in my hand and bring him between my legs. At the last second, he clasps my hips in his hands to hold me still.

  “Wait.” Shane reaches down to dig in his jeans pocket and produces a condom, using his teeth to rip it open. His hands are a blur in the darkness and I’m frantic. Frantic for him to hurry. There’s a dam inside of me that’s on the verge of bursting, and I need him to anchor me. His strained expression tells me he’s feeling it, too, which amps my need for him even higher.

  When I finally sink down onto him, letting every hard inch of him fill me, we both suck in breaths. Oh God. The tight, unbelievable pressure causes the tide of heat to surge higher, higher, until I’m shaking with the effort to keep my last remaining barrier intact. Struggling to hold onto my composure. I know with a few quick movements of my hips, I could shoot into outer space, but I’ve got no choice but to bring him with me. It’s never been this way before. I’ve never had this stunning connection with someone.

  I need him to feel everything at the same time I do.

  “Help me, Willa. I’m dying.” Shane rolls his hips beneath me, and I cry out at the pleasure that streaks through me. His fingers interlock with mine and that simple touch is reassuring enough that I begin to move faster. “Don’t restrain yourself. I need to see you burn.”

  It’s something I didn’t anticipate, this wildness that shifts within me, sends my hips twisting and bucking on top of him. The dam has now completely given way, there’s nothing left to stop the rush. I’m being battered by everything I’ve kept locked up inside of me for too long. I don’t know why it chose to come out this way, nor do I understand the timing.

  My head is thrown back, eyes squeezed shut, but Shane’s harsh voice saying my name brings me back. One look at his face nearly sends me over the edge. His powerful body flexes with each of my movements, holding me steady when I feel like I’m about to fly away. He’s so achingly beautiful in that moment, the raw hunger on his face, with just a hint of concern for me. It’s that last part that makes me choke on the air I’m trying to suck into my lungs. I’m f
eeling far too much. And he can see it, because for once I’m not hiding anything. He’s seeing everything. It’s a scary realization and yet, so freeing, that something loosens inside of me and pleasure blurs every thought from my head, except one. Shane. Attempting to stem the shaking of my thighs, I squeeze them tight around his body. He drives upward five quick times into my climaxing body, ripping a scream from my throat, doubling the intensity of what I’m experiencing.

  “That’s right, girl. Scream my fucking name. Only mine.”

  I plant my hands on his shoulders and work my hips in slow, grinding circles, attempting to capture the high as long as possible, but when I’m finished and I watch my distraction from reality start to slip away, my chest is racked by a sob. I want it back.

  “Easy, now. Easy.” My eyes crack open and I find Shane sitting up, mere inches from my face, his stiff erection still planted firmly inside me. “Look at me. I’ve got you, love.”

  “More.” Having him this close, feeling his breath puffing out against my lips, his gorgeous eyes searching mine, is making me want him again. Immediately. I kiss him hard, gripping the strands of his hair between my fingers, tilting his head exactly where I want it. “More. Again.”

  When I land on my back in the grass, I throw my arms up over my head like I’m on a roller coaster. I want to feel my stomach bottom out, I want to give over control to whatever twist of fate landed me here. Shane takes a minute to drag his gaze over me before dropping down to nip and bite at my sensitive belly. He drags my shirt up, licking over the peak of one breast, eyes locked on mine the whole time. He’s a breath away, our noses graze together once…then he pushes back inside me with a forceful shove.

  “More. Again.” He repeats my words back to me, but there’s no mockery in them. Just pure sex. “Insatiable little thing aren’t you?”

  “Apparently.” I draw my legs up as high as they can go, locking them behind his neck. When he groans in the back of his throat, my pulse starts to hammer out of control. “Are you going to keep me waiting?”

  “It would serve you right.” He draws out, then thrusts back in, deeper than before. “You kept me waiting for weeks.”

  “You hated me.”

  His hands band around my wrists, pinning them above my head. “Never. Not for a second. God, I never had a fucking chance.” I have no time to process his words, because every inch of his body is sliding over mine, muscle dragging across curves, his labored breathing in my ear. The feel of him inside me is incredible and as his pace increases with more and more urgency, we’re both straining. Grabbing at one another’s hair, the earth underneath us, anything we can get our hands on. It ends in hot, frenzied pounding and words that make no sense, but say exactly the right thing.

  “Willa.” He punches the ground as his release shakes through him. “Willa.”

  I hold him long after, staring up at the vast, starless sky, knowing I’ve just made an irreversible mistake. And counting the minutes until I get to make it again.

  Chapter Eighteen

  I wake up with mist rolling over me, early morning sunlight peeking through to pierce my eyelids. Cracking them open, I see Shane is sprawled beside me on the grass. I’m tucked under his arm, head resting on his shoulder. Part of me can’t believe I fell asleep letting him hold me, but the rest of me never wants to move again. His solid form is warm and reassuring, but his fingers are tangled in my shirt, as if he’d fallen asleep thinking I might leave in the middle of the night and wanted to prevent it.

  We hadn’t agreed out loud to spend the night on Killiney Hill. I’d wanted to stay because I knew the second we got back into the car, the spell would be shattered. We’d have to stop thinking in terms of now, and remember tomorrow. Next week. Forever. I’m not sure why Shane wanted to stay, but I’m glad he did. Even if he only stayed for a chance at morning sex. Remembering last night, how often we’d turned to each other, my body begins to throb in sore and sensitive areas. Oh, if he wants morning sex, he’s going to get it.

  I’ve gone and done it now. One week until I have to leave for Chicago and I’ve discovered multiple orgasms. Surely there’s no turning back after that? If I close my eyes and focus on the insane physical response Shane seems capable of ringing from me, leaving seems easy enough. A week of stolen moments with a gorgeous guy, no commitment required. If I came here to get over a breakup, consider me a little closer every time Shane rolls me underneath him, those intense blue eyes watching my expression to see what I like. Good God.

  Then I open my eyes and look at him. I see the tension furrowing between his brow, even in sleep. I feel the hand grabbing onto me like a lifeline. I hear his heartbeat under my ear and know every beat has a wealth of pain behind it. And I know leaving is going to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

  Carefully, I slip out from beneath Shane’s arm, peeling his fingers off my shirt one by one. I actually have to wave away the mist to find my messenger bag. My camera didn’t get a lot of use last night, but capturing this moment, this morning, is suddenly important to me. Even if I don’t want to admit why. There’s also a certainty in me that I’ll avoid looking at these pictures for the rest of my life, if I even get them developed.

  When I stand and I can actually see above the layer of mist, my breath hitches. Sunlight is just beginning to spread over the bay. If I listen really hard, I can hear the boats creaking as they sway on the water. People are moving on the docks in the distance, fishermen already awake and getting ready to start work. The sky looks massive, heavy, white clouds reflecting faintly on the surface of the gray water below.

  I know landscapes aren’t my strong suit, but I raise my camera and start shooting. All I can do it point and click, hoping even an ounce of the magnificence translates onto film. Most likely, it will be up to my memory to do it justice. After a few minutes, I lower the camera to my side and look back at Shane. He’s still asleep, his hand reaching out beside him on the grass. With the mist moving over him, he looks like a dream. A fantasy I made up inside my head. Soon, that’s all he’ll be.

  I war with myself for a second, then raise the camera and take the picture.

  Shane’s eyes open slowly and he starts a little, before focusing on me. I watch in fascination as he sits up and scrubs a hand over his messy hair. His face is covered in scruff and his shirt is on backward from being pulled on in the darkness when we were both exhausted. I imagine this is how he wakes up in bed each morning, among his sheets. I want to take that picture, too. Want to see him in every stage of his day.

  I wonder what I look like to him. As if I spoke the thought out loud, Shane gains his feet and comes toward me slowly. He slides his calloused hands up into my hair, cupping the back of my head. While leaning down to kiss me sweetly, he takes the camera from my hand. Then with an indescribable look on his face, he steps back and takes my picture. Automatically, my hands come up to cup my elbows, and I avert my gaze. I’ve never been comfortable being on the other side of the lens.

  Shane lowers the camera, his eyes narrowing on me. “Oh no, you don’t get to act shy after last night. I won’t allow it.”

  His sleep-roughened voice sends goose bumps trailing up my arms. It’s not that I’m shy. Technically, it’s more of a reluctance to see what other people see when they look at me. Not to mention, I suspect my guard is completely down right now. I’m not sure I want to have that captured in my own camera. “Yeah? How do you plan to stop me?”

  He rolls my words around in his mouth. “Why don’t I remind you how you woke me up in the middle of the night?” His voice goes even smokier, gaze dropping to my lips. “How you wouldn’t stop, no matter how hard I begged. How I really didn’t want you to stop.”

  If I were alone, I would close my eyes. I would cross my legs and squeeze. The way he’s looking at me, the memories his words are bringing back, are doing the impossible. They’re making me feel sexy and beautiful. Like I have nothing to hide. I’m aware of every part of my body. My hair doesn’t feel l
ike a jumbled disaster, it feels like Shane’s fingers have just been in it and there is nothing hotter than that. I know my shyness is melting away when his lips edge up into a satisfied smile. Lips swollen from kissing me like he’d lose his mind if he stopped.

  Just like last night, I feel something loosen inside me, something that’s been tied up in knots forever without me being consciously aware of it. I can’t do anything but embrace it. God, it’s a fantastic feeling. Without a second’s hesitation, I curl my fingers under the hem of my shirt and draw it over my head, leaving me topless. Very slowly, I walk toward Shane. At first, he can only watch me approach, his big chest shuddering in and out, heart in his eyes. Then he raises the camera and starts taking snaps of me. It’s the first time I can remember craving my picture being taken, because I know whatever he’s capturing is honest. Real. It’s me.

  When I reach him, I take the camera and set it down carefully on the earth, without taking my eyes off him. His hands are curling at his sides, as if he wants to reach out and grab me, but he senses I own the moment. “Willa, you’re so bloody beautiful, I can’t stand it.”

  Using his shoulders for balance, I hike my legs up around his waist. I’m dying to kiss him, but words are burning in my throat, dying to get out. “You made me feel that way.”

  He cradles my face in his hand. “Let me do it again today?”

  Kissing him is my answer.

  …

  We don’t talk on the way home, but it’s a companionable silence. Without actually saying the words, I think we’ve decided to live in the now. We’ve stopped trying to resist the pull, we’re not thinking beyond today. I’m grateful for it, this decision to be reckless. Because that’s exactly what it is. It’s floating down a sparkling river, enjoying the view, as you head toward a Niagara-sized plunge. I’m done battling with myself, though. I’ve done it for too long, and now all I want is to admit how good Shane makes me feel. He’s woken something up inside of me and I’m not ready to put it to bed just yet.