Up in Smoke Read online

  Erin rose and went to go stand by the window. She looked out but didn’t appear to be seeing anything on the other side. The unfocused expression he’d seen last night was back, only this time she seemed more thoughtful. “You can’t make him go away. I tried. He’s inflammable.”

  Connor frowned. “How do you know that?”

  Her gaze cut to his. “I set his house on fire while he was inside it. You still want to be my roommate?”

  “Yes.” He made sure to say it without hesitation. Should he be hesitating? Probably. She’d just admitted to arson. His only excuse was a bone-deep feeling that she’d had a driving reason. And what kind of a hypocrite would he be for judging her actions? After what he’d done, he didn’t have the right to judge anyone. “Who is he?”

  “My stepfather.” She sounded numb. “Is our hour up yet, doc?”

  He’d gotten more out of her than expected. He should call it a wrap for now, but he needed to know one more thing. Needed to know what physical and mental scars she was nursing, if he could potentially make it worse. If he did, he’d never forgive himself. “Almost.”

  She must have sensed the seriousness in his tone because she closed her eyes, pressed her forehead against the window. God, he wanted to drag her away from it. He didn’t like her being exposed. He needed to resist that urge at all costs. Windows were a requirement for her.

  “Did your stepfather abuse you?”

  “Not in the way you’re thinking.” The way she’d answered so quickly, he knew she’d been expecting the question. “He might be part of the reason I don’t like being touched, but it’s not because he touched me. Does that make you feel relieved?”

  “‘Relieved’ isn’t the right word. I can’t be relieved when you’re still hurting.”

  She hugged her elbows close, but didn’t respond. Connor couldn’t watch her looking so vulnerable another second. He stood and went to stand by her, instantly feeling soothed having her within reaching distance. What sense did that make when he couldn’t even touch her?

  “Tell me what’s off-limits, Erin.” Her gaze lifted to meet his. The combination of heat and apprehension there told him she knew what he was asking. When she wet her lips, he held himself back from licking them more thoroughly for her. “How can I touch you?”

  “I don’t know. No one has touched me in a long time. Not like you want to,” she whispered. “I love kissing you, but I don’t know what your mouth will feel like…everywhere. Or what you’ll feel like inside me.”

  They took a simultaneous deep breath. Calmly discussing his going down on her, being joined with her, made him feel anything but calm, but he ordered himself to listen closely as she spoke. “I haven’t been touched like that since…before. Even then, it never felt good.”

  “Before what?”

  His question pushed too far. He could see the second she closed him out. “I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Not if it’s one-sided. Not if I’m the only one revealing weaknesses.”

  An ache started beneath his collarbone. “There’s nothing weak about you.” Wondering how much he could reveal without scaring her away, he took a step toward the bathroom, but stopped. “The way you count steps to the street or need the fire. Those are things you can’t control, right?” He waited for her nod, praying he wasn’t damning himself. “Sometimes, Erin, I get angry. I’ve hurt people before and been unable to stop.” His look was meaningful. “If I found the man who wronged you, I would kill him and like it. And I might not remember most of it afterward. I’ve learned to control myself, but it’s hard sometimes. That’s my weakness.”

  She appeared transfixed as she came toward him, reminding him of the way she looked at fire. Tension rolled off him the closer she got, leaving him in a rush when she laid a hand against the side of his face. “Only good men feel the weight of their burdens.” She ran her fingers through his hair, making his eyelids droop. “Only good men continue to take on more.”

  “You’re not the burden.” His protest was vehement. “How could you be? They leave me when we’re close.”

  Doubt trickled into her expression. “But I can only let you get so close.”

  Her scent and soft voice were fogging his senses, common sense ordering him to take a step back while they’d made some progress. “I’m going to take a shower. Tell me you’ll be here when I come out.”

  “I’ll be here.”

  Connor walked out of the bathroom ten minutes later, immediately searching the apartment for Erin. He found her standing at the kitchen counter cutting up the peppers he’d brought home. In her combat boots, mussed hair, and leather bustier, she looked vastly out of place performing such a mundane task. Looked better suited to holding up a convenience store or stage diving at a rock concert. She flicked her hair back over her shoulder, then bent at the waist to retrieve a colander from under the sink. The move showed off her incredible ass, the taut muscles of her thighs, the sexy line of her back. A vision of his hands pressing that back down into the mattress while commanding she keep her bottom as high up in the air as possible made his cock stiffen.

  “Christ,” he muttered under his breath, adjusting himself beneath the towel he’d wrapped around his waist. They’d been officially living together less than an hour and his body was already rebelling against his resolution to go slow. Hoping he could make it to the bedroom unnoticed, Connor turned into the short hallway leading to their bedrooms. At the entrance to his bedroom, he paused. They’d planned on switching, but his things were still in there. It occurred to him that at that moment, they were sharing a bedroom, and he swelled even larger beneath the towel.

  “Connor?”

  He froze with his hand on the doorknob. “Yeah.”

  “Dinner in twenty minutes.” Her voice sounded throaty. Uneven. “If you’re hungry.”

  Dammit, why hadn’t he tugged one out in the shower? He knew why. He’d rushed, worried the entire time that she’d slip out a window and show up again when she felt like it. “Okay. I’ll be out soon.”

  “Did you mean what you said…about going slow?”

  Jesus. “Hell yes, I meant it. I don’t say things I don’t mean.”

  A beat passed. “Can we go slow right now?”

  Did he have enough willpower in place at the moment? No. Then again, he never did when it came to her. So what difference did it make? All hope of resistance flew out of his head when he felt her breath at the center of his bare back. It reminded him of their height difference. Made him picture how they’d look in bed, her petite body aligned with his bulk. Taking each thrust of his cock with a pleased cry. The kind of cry a woman gave when a man conquered her and she realized she loved it. Erin’s cry would drown out all of them. Someday. Not now. He braced his hands on the door and tried to remain still, swallowing a groan when fingers traced up his left side.

  “You smell so good.” She laid a wet kiss on his back. “Your skin is so hot. I want to rub myself all over you. Can I do that?”

  His head dropped forward with a moan. “That’s not slow, sweetheart. That’s fucking fast.”

  Her hand slowed, started to pull away. Connor spun around to stop her. Any headway, he would take it. No matter what it cost him. His instinct was to grab her hand and place it back on his body, but she wouldn’t like having her wrist manacled. He found her staring at his chest, face flushed, lips rosy and parted. His arousal surged painfully. Nothing. She hid nothing when it came to her physical needs, and her honesty tore at his layers.

  “You were wounded?” Her gaze was on his right pectoral, running over the puckered flesh where he’d been shot in Brooklyn, taking a bullet meant for his cousin. “It happened when you were with the SEALs?”

  Not wanting to lie to her, but reluctant to talk about the past he desperately wanted to forget, he made a gruff sound and focused on her. “Do you want me to touch you?”

  She made a small sound. “Not yet. I’m not ready.”

  “Okay.” He hated the sudden uncertainty c
reeping into her expression. Wanted to annihilate it. “Look what you do to my body, Erin. It only wants to please yours. Tell me how I can do that. Tell me how to make you better, because I’m just as lost as you.”

  Her eyes cleared, heating once more. “You’re a man who likes to restrain women. Tie them down and mix pleasure with pain. Aren’t you, Connor?”

  Just the words leaving her mouth sent lust raging to the surface. The way she spoke was almost hypnotic, captivating all five of his senses. Owning them. “Yes. I won’t ever lie to you.” He swallowed hard. “When I think of being inside you, I’m on top. I’m in charge. I’m so fucking deep I can’t breathe.”

  Erin looked down at her right hand, looking surprised to find it holding a bottle of olive oil. He hadn’t noticed it either. She must have been using it to cook dinner. “Would you let me restrain you?” She uncapped the bottle and drizzled a small amount of the golden liquid into her palm. His breathing grew unsteady as she rubbed it over his abs, then up and across his chest. Her palm coasted over his nipples, leaving them glistening with oil. “I’ll make it worth your while.”

  “How?” he rasped. Could he give up control completely? He’d never handed over the power to another person. There had always been too many outside sources in his life he couldn’t organize, manage, but it always stopped in bed. He was used to ruling there.

  “You’ll have to trust me.”

  No. He didn’t like the idea of having his hands restrained when she could vanish so easily. Or she could panic like last night and need him. The thought of not being able to go to her, comfort her, infused him with anxiety. “The trust goes both ways, Erin. I’m telling you I won’t put my hands on you. You’ll have to trust me on that.” He took a deep breath and let the towel drop. “Do your worst.”

  Jesus Christ. The hunger in her expression. It almost knocked him back against the door. Right before his eyes, her breasts swelled over the top of her bustier as her mouth fell open to suck in a raspy breath. She rubbed her thighs together in a way that told him she was growing wet just by looking at him. How the fuck could he survive this? Without any restrictions, she would have already been divested of her ass-hugging shorts and he would be banging her where she stood. Plain and simple, having her stare at his cock like it was a meal while being unable to do anything about it could very well land him in an asylum.

  “Tell me you’ll spread your legs for it someday, Erin. Give me that.” He fisted his cock and pumped twice. “I can only fantasize about coming in your pussy so many times before I need the real thing. I bet you’re fuck-tight, aren’t you? Like a closed fist.”

  She poured more oil into her hands and rubbed them together. “Yes, I want very much to spread my legs for it someday.” Her voice was throaty, sexual. “And yes, baby, I’m nice and tight.”

  He almost came. His erection throbbed in his hand, desperate and achy. “Fuck, sweetheart. I’m dying here.”

  Her slick palms dragged up his thighs, leaving slippery oil in their wake. “No, you’re not dying yet. But you will be.”

  She reached behind him and pushed open the bedroom door, gently nudging him backward with a single finger pressed to his chest. The backs of his knees hit the bed a moment later and he sat, mesmerized by the starvation in her eyes. He might be in excruciating physical pain, but it would take a cavalry of armed men to prevent him from seeing what she’d do next. His question was answered when she dropped her shorts, leaving her clad only in a black thong with the words “You Wish” written across the front. Goddamn right, he wished. Wished he was fucking buried in her, pounding, teeth buried in her shoulder. “Take off your top for me. Let me see those sweet little nipples so I can imagine my mouth shining them up.”

  She ran her hands up her thighs, across her belly, making them glisten. “Would you be happy only imagining it? I’m not so sure, so I think I’ll keep them covered.” With that same single finger, she urged him onto his back, showing no reaction to his miserable growl. “I’ll make it up to you, though. You see, I might have a problem being touched, but not touching. Rubbing. Or sucking.” She dragged her teeth over her lower lip and Connor’s head spun. “Hands over your head.”

  He complied, anticipation tearing through his veins. She climbed on top of him, looking like a wicked fantasy, only no one could possibly dream her up. “God, I would punish that dick-tease of a body.”

  “How?” She came down toward him, fusing their bodies together and sliding up. Connor bit his lip to keep from shouting at the sensation of her curves slipping over him. “Would you punish me with your hands?”

  “I leave bruises, but not with my fists. Never, Erin.” He spoke through gritted teeth as she writhed on top of him, straddling him and running her thighs up the sides of his body. “But when I got hard, I’d be fucking you against the first available surface and your ass would bear the impact. That’s where you’d bruise. And looking at what I’d done would only make me hard again.”

  Finally, her silk-covered pussy settled over his cock and she gave a quick buck of her hips, bringing his back off the bed with a groan. “You’re a very naughty boy, Connor. I don’t know if you deserve my mouth on you. Convince me.”

  Fuuuck. He could do it so easily with the use of his hands. His mouth. Just spread her thighs open and lick her clit until she was begging to return the favor. Instinctually he knew that would be her way. A woman who didn’t like to think she owed a man anything. I’ll make it worth your while. As soon as they cleared a few hurdles, and he had to keep faith that they would, he’d cleanse her of the misconception that she was obligated to reciprocate every time he made her come. She’d never get off her knees if that were the case. They would make some headway and then he’d show her, precisely and often.

  Right now, though, he’d been reduced to words, unable to communicate through the use of touch. He sensed this was important to her, showing she could give him pleasure to replace the pain of not touching her. To show she had something to give, not realizing he’d seen that the moment they met. But God, at the very suggestion of her pouty lips working his cock, his erection had strained hot and needy against his stomach. Dying for her to follow through. No way to be rational now.

  “Come on, sweetheart. Wrap your lips around it. Give me what I need so badly.” He lifted his hips to rub his erection against her core. She gasped and fell forward, catching herself by planting her palms on his chest. Her nails dug into his pecs and he gave a satisfied curse. “Put your sweet ass up in the air while you mouth-fuck me, too. Let me imagine I’m getting that next. Let me imagine I’m about to flip you around, shove your thong out of my goddamn way and fill up that tight pussy.”

  Erin’s breath had grown labored, but she continued to undulate on top of him, running shaky hands over his chest and abs, sliding through the oil with her belly and thighs. “That’s pretty damn convincing, baby.”

  “Need more?”

  “No,” she breathed. “Any more and I might let you try. It’s too s—”

  “Shhh.” He levered himself up to capture her mouth, taking it in a slick, suggestive kiss. His tongue mimicked the act he’d just described to her, sinking in and out, pushing a little deeper each time. They moaned into each other’s mouths and Erin started circling her hips on his lap like a sexy little machine, making him so hard, he questioned if he could survive it. When he released her mouth so she could breathe, her eyes were unclear, but there was a quality of desperation in them.

  “I like the way you talk to me.” She slid down his torso and knelt between his thighs. “Keep doing it. Don’t stop.” The vision of her almost sent him past the breaking point. Thighs covered in oil, lips plumped from their kiss, hair tangled around her face, she was a fucking goddess. Her gaze was riveted between his thighs, almost reverently. Her hands climbed up his legs, higher and higher until she wrapped one hand around his cock.

  Connor’s fingers curled into the mattress, a growl bursting free of his mouth. After that, he held his breath, wa
iting, begging for her to take him past her lips. “Please.”

  “Don’t say please. You’re the kind of man who demands.” She pumped him twice within her fist, eyes widening with excitement when he groaned. “Demand, Connor.”

  Power sizzled through his body, revitalizing him, strengthening him. “Why isn’t your ass in the fucking air? Don’t make me tell you again.”

  Erin’s responding whimper cleared the last vestige of doubt that this was the right thing for her. That he wasn’t hurting her or setting them back by being himself. Commanding her as he craved. He watched through heavy-lidded eyes as she leaned down and put herself mouth-level with his cock, arching her back and pushing her bottom up at the same time. The little black strip of material separated two perfect ass cheeks. Ripe and taut. Flesh that would give a little shake when he slapped it.

  “Good.” His hips jerked when she licked up the side of his girth. “No games this first time. You’re going to suck it like you can’t get enough.”

  She gripped his base tight and let her lips hover just above his crown. “Yes, Connor.”

  “Show me that eager girl who rode me hard last night and came in her panties. Show me what she can do with her pretty mouth.”

  He fell back onto the mattress with a shouted curse as she lowered her mouth halfway down and dragged her teeth lightly over his hypersensitive flesh on the way back up. There was a wicked glint in her eye that told him she was reveling in his reaction. She knew she was slaying him, and Jesus, he didn’t give a shit. She repeated the action five more times. By the time she finished, he was clutching at the bedspread and chanting her name. Her hand started to work him in time with her mouth, purring sounds in the back of her throat heightening the incredible sensation. In the distance, he could hear himself begging her to go faster, but she slowed down instead, bringing him back to the present.

  “Take me to the back of your throat. Keep your eyes on mine while you do it.” Again, her blue eyes flashed wide with eagerness. She might not want his touch, but she sure as hell wanted his instructions. Had even been goading him into issuing them. He watched with mounting lust as her fingers skated down her belly and dipped beneath the material of her panties. She moaned around his cock as her fingers danced behind the material.